Let Kids and Teens Be Kids and Teens

Over the past few years, there has been a great deal of furor regarding gender.  The loudest groups are those who argue that gender is determined at birth and those who argue that gender is a something that is determined after birth, when the individual decides what he or she wants to be.

A baby’s sex is determined at the moment of fertilization. Out of the forty-six chromosomes that make up a baby’s genetic material (twenty-three from the male and twenty-three from the female in a typical situation), only two of those chromosomes (in a typical situation) — one from the male and one from the female — determine the baby’s sex. Two chromosomes. The sex chromosomes.

A Y chromosome creates a boy and an X chromosome creates a girl. The outward sign of gender develops at around nine weeks, but rest assured that long before the outward sign of gender develops, the gender is already determined.

That being said, all embryos begin as females and when the Y chromosome expresses itself, this confirms the embryo is most definitely male.

Interesting enough, peer-reviewed studies have proven that if a man has more brothers than sisters, he is likely to have more sons than daughters, and if a man has more sisters than brothers, he is likely to have more daughters than sons.

The number of men and women in the world is pretty much equal more or less. Yes, men hold a slight lead with 102 men for every 100 women (based on data from 2020).  That works out to be 504 men (50.4%) to 496 women (49.6%) per 1,000 people.  And this is interesting mostly because when it comes to flipping a coin where there are only two possibly outcomes, that nearly 50-50 split happens every single time.  It makes sense it would also happen where gender is concerned. Don’t get mad at me for sharing that with you. That’s what the data bears out as being a fact, and it’s been bearing out that fact since the 17^th century believe it or not.

In a pamphlet published by the American Psychological Association titled “Answers to Your Questions about Transgender People, Gender Identity, and Gender Expression,” it states the following: “Transgender is an umbrella term for persons whose gender identity, gender expression, or behavior does not conform to that typically associated with the sex to which they were assigned at birth.”  That definition is pretty straight forward and clear.  Basically it states that if you feel you are a gender different than your biological sex, you are transgender, but that does not mean you are the other sex.  It means you identify as the other sex.

Basically the knowledgeable opinion of medical researchers and scientists is that biological sex is determined at conception, and gender, which is a social construct that determines behavior, is one that happens after birth.  That being the facts, it means a transgender male is still female despite taking on the social expectations of a male, and a transgender female is still male despite taking on the social expectations of a female.  In other words, a transgender male is not a male and a transgender female is not a female.

If extremists at either end of this discussion would stop long enough to see there is place for both sides to exist and co-exist, life for everyone in the middle would settle back down again.  There would be no need for the insistence on knowing what someone’s pronouns would be as those who took on the social expectations of the gender they wish to present as would lead to everyone using the pronouns that person would expect, with the exception of they/them which isn’t a biological or social possibility.

It’s also time for people to understand that children and teens can be gender nonconforming as they search for a way to express their identity.  Just because a boy likes to bake in the kitchen and isn’t into contact sports doesn’t mean he’s anything other than a boy who likes to bake in the kitchen and isn’t into contact sports.  Likewise, just because a girl likes to climb trees and fails to abide by the social expectations of sugar and spice and all that’s nice doesn’t mean she anything other than a girl who likes to climb trees and fails to abide by the social expectations of sugar and spice and all that’s nice.

What there isn’t is more than two genders.  Even when things go wonky as sometimes happens in nature, a person feels drawn to identify as a member of one sex more than the other.  Even those who say they are bi-sexual have a slightly more identifiable (to them) pull towards one sex or the other. Again, it’s that coin toss moment that determines which side has the stronger influence.

So let’s stop rushing children into making decisions when they are minors with regards to their sexuality and sense of gender.  Let them explore how they feel about traditional and non-traditional roles, and let them make wise decisions instead of pushing them into decisions that could radically alter their lives until the day they die.

If a child asks you, “Am I [opposite biological sex]?” listen to their concerns. Talk with them about the value of being themselves instead of buying into what others are telling them about who they are. Remind them that if a person almost never knows what they want to be when they grow up when it comes to a career, chances are just as high they won’t really know what they want to be until they grow up and decide what they are when it comes to gender. Let them know they can do things that are usually associated with the opposite biological sex without being worried they were born in the wrong body.

What all these arguments about transgenderism and transphobia and all things trans seem to be doing is throwing society backwards to a time when male and female roles were rigidly defined and no one dared to deviate from those inflexible and unyielding roles. Let children and teens be children and teens without forcing the expectation of making a forever life-altering decision that most likely won’t play out well for them later on as they enter adulthood. When they decide for themselves as adults, without interference in childhood, they are far more likely to feel at ease with their decision.

Elyse Bruce
20 February 2024

In Praise of Mediocrity

Undoubtedly some of you are alarmed by the title of this blog entry, In Praise of Mediocrity, but only because you didn’t know until just know that the full title is actually, In Praise of Mediocrity: In Search of Excellence.  Believe it or not, there is something worth knowing about mediocrity, and that is that without mediocrity, excellence loses its currency.

What most people don’t realize is that mediocrity isn’t a state of mind that is constant and unchanging.  Mediocrity is a choice, and every time you choose to up your game – in other words, be better than before – you take another step forward towards excellence.  But you won’t appreciate your accomplishments and achievements until you understand and accept that mediocrity can be a driving force to get you to excellence.

The difference between mediocrity as a stepping stone towards success and mediocrity as being good enough determines what kind of mediocrity a person chooses to settle for in life. 

Good enough might be fine for some, but it rarely is.  Good enough is the version of mediocrity that leads people to gripe about how everyone else has it easier than they do.  It leads people to complain about how they never had the opportunities others had which is why they didn’t succeed.   It’s the scapegoat that allows whiners to point fingers and demand to know why they can’t have all the nice things other people have.

That sort of mediocrity is never going to improve anyone’s life.

The sort of mediocrity that will improve a person’s life is the kind where the individual realizes there are gaps in their education or flaws in their way of perceiving situations, and for that reason, they redouble their efforts to address those deficiencies so they don’t hold them back in life.  It’s an ability to accept that perhaps there are aspects of who they are that don’t allow them to overcome parts of their mediocrity but regardless they continue to strive for a personal best wherein those deficiencies exist.

And make no bones about it, most people who achieve a level of success and excellence didn’t get to where they are by chance.  Even if they inherited money or a business, they still had to find a way to either continue to grow that wealth and manage that business to ensure it wouldn’t fail in years to come.  Very few people are born with silver spoons in their mouths that take them from cradle to casket.

So while it’s important to praise mediocrity, that’s only half of the equation when it comes to succeeding at whatever you set out to do.  The other half of the equation is to constantly seek out excellence whether it’s your own excellence or that of an expert whose opinion and guidance you respect and follow.

Yes, celebrate the fact that all of us can rise up from mediocrity and continue climbing our personal ladders of personal and professional success.  But don’t use mediocrity as a crutch to excuse you from doing the much-needed work to rise above your own mediocrity.  You can move towards success as long as you actually do the work to get there otherwise mediocrity and the good enough mindset will forever hold you back in life.

Elyse Bruce
23 January 2024

If Only I Had More Money

What does it take to waste $10,000 a year? It takes exactly $27.40 a day in miscellaneous expenditures. So when you say, “If only I had more money,” chances are you do have more money but you’ve been spending it instead of saving it.

I can already hear the naysayers looking at each other in disbelief, and saying to each other, “What is she talking about?  If I had more money, I’d know it.  Besides, I hardly ever spend money without having to spend it. That’s crazy talk to think I do.”

So just how does a person go about spending just over $27 every day without really noticing they’re spending just over $27 every day without really noticing that fact?

Oftentimes I see on social media and hear people say they stop off to get their coffee on the way to work.  Well, coffee and something to eat because they that seems to be quick and easy, and it buys them an extra few minutes in the shower every morning.

Maybe they get that Caffè Latte at Starbucks for $4.55 plus tax and maybe a breakfast sandwich at Starbucks for anywhere between $6.25 and $7.15.  (These prices were taken from the Starbucks website as of today’s date so those are the most current prices.)  They’re already at the $10 mark and more than a third of the way through their $27.40 discretionary spending for the day.

Maybe they pack their lunch or skip lunch entirely.  Either way, let’s pretend they did one or the other so no one can say I’m stacking the deck unfairly.

On the way home, they stop off and pick up something for supper.  Something light.  Something like a small 6 piece wind combo from Wing Stop for $9.09 (because the boneless option is the least expensive). That puts them around the $20 mark and two-thirds of the way home to spending that $27.40 for the day.

Data has proven that the average mark-up on beer at a bar is between 200 and 300 percent, depending on the type of beer, the popularity of the beer, the type of establishment where that beer is consumed, and other important factors.  If that person decides to go out with friends for a beer or two later on that evening, with the average price for a beer sitting at $4.75, within two beers, that $27.40 minimum has been met and surpassed.

But let’s say, that same person isn’t a drinker (at least not one that goes to bars to imbibe) and doesn’t usually pick up fast food on the way home. 

What if that person is an online news consumer with subscriptions?  According to Reuter’s Institute, 21 percent of Americans have at least one subscription, and most have multiple subscriptions.  USA Today, CBS News and C&R Research claim the average monthly spending on online news subscriptions is $219 which works out to $7.20 per day. 

Someone who has online news subscriptions and who grabs breakfast (coffee and a sandwich o the way to work) is already at $17 before the workday has begun. 

That doesn’t seem so bad if they don’t buy anything else all day long, but you know, if they have online news subscriptions, chances are good they have a cellphone plan and if they have a cellphone plan and online news subscriptions, they’ve opted for that expensive unlimited data plan.  Along with that expensive unlimited data plan, the average cellphone user has 40 apps installed on that cellphone from apps for video conferencing to mobile gaming to social media platforms.

So the average single line unlimited talk and text data plans runs around $80 per month and keep in mind that unlimited data plans aren’t really unlimited as the cap is set at 23 GB before they slow down you speeds.  Gaming and video eat up a lot of that bandwidth so unlimited is one of those sounds-good sales pitches that isn’t really what it purports to be.  Regardless, if that person doesn’t exceed the cap, that’s $2.65 per day spent on a cellphone plan with unlimited data PLUS whatever charges are in place for the apps (some are free, many are not).

The cellphone itself isn’t free either.  On average, a smartphone costs $1,430 and with new smartphones coming out on a regular basis, statistics prove most people upgrade to a new cellphone before their old cellphone is paid off.  Let’s say that new smartphone was part of this year’s purchases already, and that adds another $3.92 per day.

With breakfast, coffee, and the online news subscriptions already at $17 plus the $3.92 for the newest smartphone and another $2.65 for the unlimited cellphone plan that may not be as unlimited as the buyer thought it was, almost $23.60 has been spent.  That person is just $4 shy of the daily $27.40 discretionary spending limit.

Chances are very good they aren’t watching internet television on their smartphones, so add in the cost of internet television and badabing badaboom, the threshold has been met and surpassed by more than a couple bucks.

Some reading this will argue that I haven’t address the two days of the week where a person may not be working. Let’s assume those two days just happen to be Saturday and Sunday. Those days being days off from work, people who spend money unwisely tend to continue to do so even on their days off. They drop a chunk of change at their favorite store that caters to their hobbies or they go out and enjoy one (or more) of their hobbies. For example, if they play golf, they will go to a golf course or a country club (if they belong to a country club, they’re dropping a lot of money right there) or an indoor golf simulator facility.

While they’re out and about, chances are very high they’ll stop somewhere to pick up something to eat and that’s how the daily $27.40 miscellaneous expenditure threshold is met on those days off.

My reason for writing about this has everything to do with the number of people who complain year after year that older generations had things easier.  Everything was more affordable.  By the time their parents and grandparents were in their thirties, they had a house and a mortgage and all kinds of things the whiners don’t have but say they want if only they could afford them in this economy.

Imagine this.  If some of the discretionary spending was cut out and the remaining discretionary spending was cut back (you know it can be done without too much pain or effort), there would be at least $8,000 more of your own money (after taxes) per year to sock away in a savings account.

Within 5 years, you would have $40,000 to put down as a deposit on a house so you could be just like your parents and grandparents and have a house and a mortgage in your thirties.

Now I understand this isn’t true of all people who want a house and everything else, but it’s certainly true of most people who spend money without thinking about where they’re spending it.  Usually it’s people who don’t want to bother with setting up a budget to follow because budgets take the fun out of being spontaneous.  It can do that but it doesn’t have to if you budget for the occasional spontaneous expenditure.

And before we get to the story of how there’s health insurance and car insurance and vacations and gifts and all sorts of other things that require a cash injection to be possible, let’s agree all of that is for another blog entry.  After all, if you can afford all those unnecessary extras, surely you’ve taken care of the important things like health insurance and car insurance and vacations and gifts and all sorts of other things that require a cash injection to be possible.

Elyse Bruce
9 January 2024

First Name, Last Name, and Pronouns

Pronouns, non-binary pronouns, neopronouns, and personal gender pronouns (PGPs) are all the rage these days.  For those who may not know, neopronouns are a new category of pronouns that is being used in place of the traditional she and he pronouns used when referring to a human being.

Examples of neopronouns are bun/bunself or kitten/kittenself for those who identify with specific animals, or vamp/vampself or prin/princess/princesself or fae/faer/faeself for those who identify with fantasy characters, or doll/dollself (whatever the doll may be) for those who identify with fashion or action figures.  Of course, there’s also the somewhat popular innit/innits/innitself.

According to the Trevor project, about 25 percent of the LGBTQ community use non-binary pronouns and another 4 percent use neopronouns.  In other words, around 1 in 3 people from the LGBTQ community use non-traditional pronouns.  That means people, regardless of pronouns, non-binary pronouns, neopronouns, or personal gender pronouns have a 30 percent change of unintentionally insulting someone when using any kind of pronoun.  That’s a pretty high percentage for insulting others, intentionally or unintentionally.  It’s too high a percentage for me to be willing to take a risk on.

Clip Art by Vector Toons, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

When someone says, “My pronouns are …” or “My non-binary pronouns are …” or “My PGPs are …” or “My neopronouns are …” I take note to always call that person by their first and last name whenever I speak to them or about them. Some people think that’s rude on my part, but it isn’t.  It’s actually the most respectful way to treat them.

Recently, there was an issue at the Delta Air Lines counter with a transgender actress who was born a biological male who was was sexually attracted to females. The pronouns that person used were he/him.

In 2017, that same person decided to use they/them pronouns because they were non-binary but still sexually attracted to females.

In 2022, that person decided to identify as a transgender woman and to use the pronouns she/her and she stated she was a lesbian (sexually attracted to females).

What this means is that in the space of six years (2016 to 2022), the individual used pronouns and non-binary pronouns to self-identify and at the end of the day, that’s a lot of changes to remember for 30 percent of the people you might interact with over the course of 24 hours who may have traveled a similar path as the transgender actress did.

The person at the counter used both he/him and she/her pronouns when speaking with the individual because visually the person presented as he/him more than as she/her. When the individual stated the pronouns to be used were she/her, the person at the counter corrected the previous he/him error. The transgender actress was still offended and, having watched the attitude, copped big time attitude about the now-corrected error, and escalated the situation that was already addressed and fixed.

What this means is that fixing the issue wasn’t enough as the offense was already taken and the transgender actress was unwilling to accept the correction. Finally, the airline employee behind the counter pointed out that if the transgender actress was going to continue to harangue employees for a problem that had been addressed and corrected, the transgender actress would be asked to leave the premises. If that required being escorted off the premises, that was something the airline employee was able to facilitate for the transgender actress.

The upswing is that the transgender actress made a video of the incident, and when the transgender actress received backlash from followers regarding the transgender actress’s behavior, the decision was made by the transgender actress to delete the video. Since most of the transgender actress’s social media world disagreed with her behavior at the airline counter, she decided to delete the video as if it had never been uploaded by her in the first place.

It was possibly an attempt to buy into the age-old internet saying, “If you didn’t screenshot it, it didn’t happen” otherwise known as dirty deleting.

Before you say, “You’d feel differently if it happened to you,” you should acquaint yourself with a few facts. Because of my last name, for decades there have been people online who don’t know me in person and who disagree vehemently with something I have posted or commented on who have called me Bruce or dude. In their haste to attack, they have only seen what they wanted to see and to that end, it has resulted in being mistaken for a biological male. In return, I have patiently pointed out I am female. 

I have been told I would feel differently on a topic if I was Canadian (I’m Canadian) or if I lived abroad (I have lived abroad in many countries over the years, and currently I am abroad) or if I was the parent of a child with special needs (my now adult XY child is diagnosed with autism as well as a rare, incurable, life-threatening neuromuscular autoimmune disease known as myasthenia gravis) or any number of other things that are completely wrong. So, yes, I know what it’s like to have people mistake your situation for something other than what it is.

It’s also no reason to be so defensive that what matters to you is lost because of the way you choose to react to the situation at hand. If you want to be heard, speak in ways that allow others to hear what you are saying.

But getting back to the original topic, when you hear me call someone by their first and last name, I’m not being rude or judgmental or mean. I have no way of knowing if someone who needs to point out what their pronouns or non-binary pronouns are neopronouns or PGPs are at one point in time hasn’t changed what pronouns or non-binary pronouns or neopronouns or PGPs are to be used at some point in the future.

I am not a mind-reader (I don’t even pretend to be one on stage or television) and a lot of times, presentation is such that it can be next to impossible to know what pronouns or non-binary pronouns or neopronouns or PGPs are preferred by each individual you may meet throughout any 24-hour cycle.

By using a person’s first and last names, I am making sure I don’t accidentally use the wrong pronouns or non-binary pronouns or neopronouns or PGPs when speaking with someone, and I am avoiding a long, drawn-out, completely preventable situation from becoming a dramatic escalation of outrageous proportions.

As for demiboys or demiguys or demigirls (those who may or may not identify as another gender in addition to feeling partially that other gender), that’s a topic for another day.

Elyse Bruce
2 January 2024

Stop Blaming Guns

Connor Sturgeon, the Louisville KY shooter, included his pronouns on his LinkedIn profile. They were he/him.

Audrey Hale, the Nashville TN shooter, included his pronouns in his LinkedIn profile. They were he/him (even though he was born female with pronouns she/her).

Lee Aldrich, the LGBTQ Club Colorado Spring CO shooter, insisted people use the pronouns they/them (although when he was born, he/him pronouns were applied).

Alec McKinney, the Denver CO shooter, insisted people refer to him as male and to use he/him pronouns (despite being born female with pronouns she/her).

According to The Violence Project, since 1966, there have been 168 mass shooters using he/him pronouns and only FOUR using she/her pronouns. Do you know what that means?

Guns aren’t the problem.

Gender isn’t the problem.

Sex isn’t the problem.

People aren’t even the problem.

So what is the problem?

Pronouns.

Pronouns are the problem.

Pronouns are dangerous, especially when those pronouns are he/him regardless of whether they are adopted pronouns or pronouns given at birth.

Here’s the solution: Stop using pronouns. Start calling people by their given or chosen names, it really doesn’t matter which. If someone tells you their name is Flibberty Gibbett III, and their friends call them Fidget for short, ask them if you should call them Flibberty, Flibberty Gibbett, Flibberty Gibbert III, or Fidget, then call them that until advised to do otherwise.

Don’t add Mister or Miss or Miz or Mistress or Master or Sir or Ma’am or Doctor or any other possible title you might feel compelled to include. Just call them by the name they have directed you to use.

In the case of minors addressing adults, don’t worry about the titles. Have the adults advise the minors how to address each adult in said minor’s environment, and let the situation grow organically. Reprimand those who insist on including anything in a conversation that might lead to the use of pronouns, especially he/him pronouns.

No more gender reveal parties either as that implies pronouns before the child-in-progress is born. The last thing one should want to do is to hang pronouns on a child-in-progress that hasn’t made an appearance yet despite what the sonograms may indicate. No matter what, remember that a child-in-progress is a fluid being who may turn out to be pronoun adverse to what science claims is correct.

As a side benefit, there won’t be anymore gender reveal party accidents where water sources are polluted with dyes or smoke bombs clouding the environment (and possibly poisoning anyone in the immediate and not-so-immediate area) or balloons floating away into the great unknown only to come back to earth and choke wildlife.

That also means no more ‘stache’ or lash announcements for the child-in-progress. After all, the latest trend according to the media is that those sporting he/him pronouns look just as great in foundation, eyeliner, mascara, and more as those sporting she/her pronouns or they/them pronouns.

Don’t do the baby shoe gender reveal either as she/her tomboys are as likely to wear high top sneakers as he/him boys or non-boys or cross-boys or fluid-boy or any other kind of boy. After all, shoes — particularly sneakers — are pronoun free so the best a baby shoe reveal can do is reveal at least one adult is expecting a minor to appear at some point in the near future.

So stop blaming guns for all the violence in the world, and start placing blame squarely where blame belongs: Blame pronouns, specifically he/him pronouns.

Who knew that words — especially pronouns — could be the leading cause of so much violence in our world?

Elyse Bruce
10 April 2023

LINKS:

The Violence Project
https://www.theviolenceproject.org/

Gun Violence Archive
https://www.gunviolencearchive.org/